Poem: To My Unborn Son On Sex

Son,

Before you start getting those random erections,
before you start feeling those butterflies, here’s
quick advice on what to do. Learn more on your own
for no one ever succeeds on what he’s taught alone.

Pay attention:

One: Get condoms, unless you both trust each other —
not just for pregnancy but for STDs. Be sure to keep
them with you all the time, and use them before you
are asked to.

Use them every time.

The peace of mind
you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and
that, my son, is exactly what sex or
lovemaking (whichever one you choose to call it) is all
about.

Condoms are actually sexy. In fact, you can call
buying condoms “foreplay.”
(I’m sure you’ve already heard by now that if you are
too embarrassed to buy condoms, then you are not ready to have sex. Let
that sink in.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend a lot of
time making out on the couch or wherever while fully
clothed.
Believe me, humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s more about
emotion.
Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart.
Because when you do, she’ll help you find her clitoris,
and believe me, it’s an awesome journey downtown.

Four: If you really want to know how to please a
woman, ask her how she masturbates.

Then do that.

A lot.

As much as you
both can afford. If
she claims she doesn’t masturbate like she may, offer
to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the
vocabulary and the diction of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butt hole you wouldn’t
want in your own.
(If you must, try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her — and you will sure go
down
on her a lot, and if you are my son, you will be pretty
good at it.

Tell her how good she tastes.

Stop in the middle and kiss
her deeply so you both share her juice and she’ll know how good she
tastes.

Do
the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield over 1,200
euphemisms and connotations for male masturbation, yet only a whooping
less than 60 for female masturbation. So I figure if guys spent less
time jacking off
and more time jilling off, this world would be a
happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the
importance of the clitoris is in the movie “Titanic.”
She is the Titanic and her clitoris is the iceberg.

Remember: The Ship in all its gait was sunk by a certain amount of
contact with a certain little amount of iceberg.

Nine: Just because you cum doesn’t mean she has, in
fact, don’t you dare cum before she does.

Focus
completely on your partner. Don’t ever worry about getting yours,
you’re a guy.

You always get yours, one way or the other.

Your duty is
to make sure she’s getting hers…as often as she wants.

Ten: Don’t neglect the changes in her moans and
groans as they are cues as to whether what you’re
doing is working.

Eleven: If sex with your partner doesn’t last longer
than this poem, then I’m afraid you are not making love, You are
masturbating with her body instead of your hand.

A BIG shame on you.

Now go back to Step 1. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

— Love, Spiritual, and Sorry Dad