Why Successful Black Women Are Struggling To Find Love, and My Advice

Duduzile Nhlabathi July 30, 2016

The other day, I was asked an interesting question: Does being a powerful woman mean that you have to be with a powerful man for the relationship to work? Before I could answer this, I had to first explain the characteristics of an alpha.

An Alpha is a person that puts themselves and the desire to lead first. Thus, Alpha males love feminine women. It’s that simple, no need to debate this, as this is as true as it is in the case of opposites. So if a woman wants a successful relationship with an Alpha male, they must be comfortable in taking the back seat in the relationship. They must genuinely be the type of woman who can allow the man to take the lead in the relationship, in all things.

As we all know, most of our “standards” as women are influenced by society, historic gender roles, TV, talk shows and other women. In society, the ultimate male is always represented by an alpha, thus, it’s only natural for most women to picture their ideal man as an Alpha.

Successful and powerful women tend to possess Alpha characteristics too, and often it is their desire to take the lead and control the outcome of most situations that have led them to the top of their respective careers. This is where the incongruity occurs, as the way most males have been socialized is that a man determines the outcome of the relationship from the day he meets the woman.

The male decides whether he will give you, the woman, the girlfriend title or not; he influences the pace of the relationship, and finally, it is the male that goes on bended knee and makes an” honest” woman out of you.

Having said this, an alpha woman struggles to place her fate in the hands of another, and this often results in a huge power struggle in the relationship. It takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness for a relationship between two Alphas to work.

Alpha males respect alpha women in business, but these women often fail to arouse anything beyond that in them. Their confidence they might find attractive, but their competitive nature eventually turns them off.

A couple arguing

A couple arguing

The reason some powerful and successful women struggle to find love:

Men fall in love by doing and not by receiving. Men want to lead, protect and provide for the people they love. Most successful women fail dismally at allowing the man to show affection in a “manly” way. They don’t know how to accept help, gifts and acts of kindness from a man and they have this “I can do it myself attitude” which does not speak to the deepest desires of a man.

They are also too quick to want to determine the pace of the relationship. They are quick to set up follow-up dates, pick vacation spots, and too quick to pressure the man into defining  where the relationship is headed. They don’t know how to be at ease. It’s not entirely their fault as being at ease at work is seen as not being ambitious or determined. They want to use the same formula they used to get to the top to find themselves a man, but unfortunately love works quite the opposite. They find it hard to go with the flow, and to be in the moment without trying to influence what comes next.

So should a woman dim her light ever for a relationship to succeed?

I for one feel that some women have misunderstood what the liberation of women means- to the extent that some have turned into straight up male-bashers. Most forget that no man wants to date another man; well unless he is gay.

The liberation of women does not mean women have to reject femininity, and this is where many women have lost the plot. We have become too hard and have become too consumed with proving points to men. There is beauty and strength in femininity and embracing our nature does not mean we have to down play our strengths. We have many examples of successful relationships where strong men are married to strong and feminine women, like Barack and Michelle Obama.

Thus it’s not really the success that intimidates men, but rather the fact that sometimes  successful women come across as aggressive, something that can scare off men, especially alpha men. Even aggressive women scare women too. So we have to be careful when we label plain aggressive women as strong or successful. We can’t paint all men with the same blanket; weak men are intimidated by strong people period. It has nothing to do with the women but an inadequacy within.

A secure man will never be intimidated by a successful feminine woman, as each gender possesses a special quality which the other cannot replace. This “men are intimidated by strong women”, is often an excuse used by women who want to justify their bad dating habits, instead of taking time to reflect on just what they might be doing wrong.

As always, leave me a comment and let me know whether you agree with me or not.

Poll Do You Feel That Your Success Has Prevented You From Finding Love? ?

Last Edited by:Sandra Appiah Updated: June 19, 2018


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