The role of in-laws is significant in the African context, where family extends beyond just the couple to include a wider network of relatives. In African society, marriage is often viewed as a union between families, not just individuals.
Sociologist Dr. Franca Attoh explains, “The European concept of family, which is purely nuclear, comprising a man, his wife, and their children, cannot work in Africa, because that is the nature of our society.”
This interconnectedness means that marrying someone often comes with the “whole family package.” While some in-laws are warm, supportive, and understanding, others can be overbearing, possessive, and difficult.
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If you are tired of possessive, overbearing, authoritative, difficult and excessively nosy in-laws, here’s how to deal with them, the African way!
Rule of Thumb: Never Disrespect Your In-Laws
In African society, respect for elders and family is paramount, and this extends to your in-laws. No matter how difficult the situation may become, there is no place for disrespecting your in-laws. Disrespect can not only damage your relationship with them but also strain your marriage, as it goes against the deeply ingrained cultural values of honor and reverence.
Even when your in-laws’ behavior is challenging or hurtful, it’s crucial to maintain a level of decorum. Disrespecting them, whether through harsh words, dismissive actions, or outright confrontation, can lead to irreparable damage in familial relationships. Instead, it’s better to walk away, limit contact, or find ways to peacefully coexist.
Respecting your in-laws doesn’t mean you have to tolerate inappropriate behavior or let your boundaries be crossed. It simply means choosing your actions carefully and ensuring that you handle conflicts with dignity and grace. This approach helps to de-escalate potential conflicts and ensures that you maintain your integrity and the respect of your spouse and the wider community.
Set Boundaries from the Start
The tone of your relationship with your in-laws is often established early on, and how you handle situations at the start can set a precedent for the future. If you allow inappropriate behavior from your in-laws to go unchecked in the beginning, it’s likely to continue. That’s why it’s essential to set clear boundaries from the outset and ensure that both you and your spouse are aligned in upholding them.
For example, agree on boundaries such as in-laws not being allowed in your bedroom, requiring mutual consent for extended visits, and making it clear that disrespect will not be tolerated. These guidelines help protect your personal space and ensure that your relationship remains strong and respectful.
It’s important to note that setting boundaries may initially be met with resistance. Your in-laws might push back or form opinions about you, but don’t let this deter you. Stand firm in your decisions, communicate them with kindness and clarity, and stay consistent. Over time, these boundaries will help foster a healthier relationship dynamic and prevent misunderstandings or conflicts from escalating.
Communicate with Your Spouse
If your in-laws have overstayed their welcome or done something that makes you uncomfortable, talk to your spouse. Don’t assume they’re aware of your feelings. A sincere conversation about your concerns is essential.
While discussing the matter, keep your emotions in check. The goal is to have your spouse on your side. Speak openly and respectfully about how your in-laws are affecting your relationship and family. Choose an appropriate time to bring up the subject, and avoid using the in-laws’ behavior as an opportunity to criticize your spouse. You need their support, so approach the conversation with care.
Stay Calm but Firm
“A soft answer turns away wrath.” When dealing with difficult in-laws, don’t respond to provocation with aggression. In many cases, conflicts involve a wife and her mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law wants to take over the kitchen, let her; you might even appreciate the break. If she wants to have a private conversation with her son or sit in the front seat of the car, accommodate her. Showing maturity and calmness in your responses, while being firm in your boundaries, will help deescalate potential conflicts.
Limit Contact
While family bonds are important, daily face-to-face interactions with difficult in-laws can be overwhelming. Sometimes, a little distance can help. If frequent visits lead to tension and negativity, consider reducing the frequency of these interactions. Instead of weekly dinners, make them monthly. Use the extra time to strengthen your nuclear family bond.
Lead with Love
Above all, choose to love your in-laws. Love is a decision that helps you overlook unkindness and seek the best for them, even when they are difficult. Love fosters patience, kindness, and forgiveness. By choosing love, you can demonstrate the beautiful person you are and create a more harmonious family dynamic.
