Dating, ‘Self Righteous’ Women & the Uncomfortable Truth

Duduzile Nhlabathi Jun 7, 2016 at 09:00am

June 07, 2016 at 09:00 am | Lifestyle

Duduzile Nhlabathi

Duduzile Nhlabathi

June 07, 2016 at 09:00 am | Lifestyle

intimate young african couple in bed

It’s a chilly Saturday morning, and I am invited to another one of those female-only events. Now we all know what the inevitable subject will be: at some point, the discussion is going to be about men. As much as I enjoy mingling with like-minded women, this is the part I dread the most. The odds are 9 out of 10 that someone is going to mention that I am a dating coach (usually the friend that has accompanied me to the event), and some basic Judy is going to ask me to help her out with straightforward problems about her love life, which only requires common sense to solve. But then again, common sense is not so common.

And just as I expected, the self-righteous Judy complained that these big city girls are getting cheaper by the day. Her rant goes something like this:

I come from a good Christian home, I have been well brought up, and I have a pretty decent set of morals. I have a clean reputation as I don’t go running around with people who do not have a sense of direction. My concern is that the conduct of young ladies out there is shocking, and mind you, there are a growing number of single and desperate 30-something-year-old ladies who are also showing signs of cheapness.

I am sorry if this might come across as blunt, but women out there have become cheap. Every time I am out and about, I often see these young girls in expensive weaves and bags going around hand in hand with a sugar daddy. These women have no shame, they don’t even care who is looking.

You have these girls who have made a career out of soliciting money from men. They get them to pay for their rent, transportation costs, or to fund their fairy tale lifestyles. The biggest disappointments are my age mates, particularly the “return soldiers” (divorcees).

Sis Dudu, what happened to being a lady? These desperate and dateless 30-something-year-olds have formed what they call the “Second Wives club” and have no shame being mistresses.

Women out there no longer hold themselves at the highest level, and it does not take much to take them to bed. The sad thing, Sis Dudu, is that they have spoiled our men, because it seems like all that men expect these days is a good time and that is just about it.”

After listening to Miss Goody Two-shoes’ boring rant, I asked, “What exactly is your definition of cheap?”

  • Is it a girl that sleeps around?
  • Is it a girl that dates old men?
  • Is it a mistress?
  • Or is it a girl that does not come from a Christian home?

I picked up that the reason this woman thought she was in a better position than these types of women was because of her religion and value system.

Afterward, I googled the definition of cheap, and this is what I found:

Cheap: of little worth because achieved in a discreditable way requiring little effort.

Example: “Her moment of cheap triumph”

So it’s fair to assume that according to Miss Goody, what makes a woman cheap is the manner in which she gives her time, love, and body in exchange for affection or monetary pleasures with little effort required.

Thus, is it fair to say that according to her definition, the amount of time and money (effort) it takes to take a woman to bed will determine whether she is cheap?

So then I asked how cheap or expensive was she? In order to elaborate on my point, I used monetary terms to see if her definition is indeed accurate.

Not a single woman at that table that day had ever thought about the concept of cheapness in this manner, so I had the table’s full attention when I went on tell the story below.

I once read an article, written by  G.L. Lambert in his book “Solving Single,” where he broke this matter down into the following instances:

He said, on the one hand you have a Miss Goody, like you who is very conscious of whom she chooses to associate herself with and therefore is pedantic about how a man should woo her into bed.

Often girls like you will get a call from a guy you are “dating” on a Friday evening that goes like, “Hey, girl, what’s up? I thought you and I could chill at my place today and spend some quiet time as I am not that type of guy who likes to run the streets. I will rent us some movies ($10), get dinner ($50), and maybe a bottle of wine ($20). What do you say?”

Because Miss Goody is home bored due to the fact that she is impossible to get along with, she will get dressed, get into her car, stop by the gas station, and maybe also pick up a bottle of wine on the way to his house.

They will discuss politics, work, philosophy, his aspirations, and so on. Before she knows it, she will be “speaking in tongues” on his couch.

Consequently, the ever-self-righteous Miss Goody has been laid for less than $80, which from a practical perspective is cheaper than a boy’s night out.

Now let’s compare her situation to a Miss Cheap who, according to Miss Goody, does not know the mighty Lord.

This girl always has options, be it a sugar daddy, married dude, boyfriend-wanna-be, or a plain old Mr. Good Time. This is her typical Friday evening: About 4 p.m. she sends out a broadcast Whatsapp message to all her “options” that goes like, “Hey.” Yes, just a simple “hey.” No “how was your day?” or “I saw you on TV the other day” or “what a brilliant presentation you gave,” just a simple “hey.”

Then she waits, and trust me, in no time, she will get a number of responses that will result in a date.

Now let’s say the dude who never returned your call after that one passionate Friday of nothingness is the one responding to the supposed cheap girl’s message on his pay day. That same woman will get a response like, “Hey, girl, what’s up? Want to swing by my place?”

Now how she responds is what differentiates her from Miss Goody.

She does not get dressed up right away or put on her most expensive lingerie or update her Facebook status update with a “feeling loved.”

Instead, she writes, “I am not getting dressed to come hang at your place.” 

So if the guy is up to it, he will come pick her up (with his gas), take her somewhere for dinner (+$100), and he might throw in a bit of clubbing ($200). If this man is lucky enough, she might even end up in his bed, which Miss Goody never made it to.

So, in essence, this cheap girl would have been shagged for a little more than $300.

So I asked again, what is the definition of cheap? My Mathematics teacher said $300>$80, making Miss Goody cheaper.

So what is my point? Here are two simple points I am highlighting:

  • Men will use different tactics to achieve the same objectives. If it is your womanhood he is after, it does not matter how well you know God because a vee*** is a vee*** and “good girl” isn’t written on it.
  • Women shouldn’t bash other women. Why must you call another women “cheap”? Does your inability to get yourself a man depend on the conduct of other women? Are you saying that if other women shortchange themselves by dating married men or men who lack good intentions, this also puts you in an unfavorable position as these men expect you to shortchange yourself too? Let’s just use logic. What is your problem when it comes to men: the existence of cheap girls or your selection criteria?

By now I had a mixed audience of enlightened and enraged women, and as usual, I raised my hand dismissively and asked the waiter for more champagne.

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