Girls, Don’t be so DESPERATE!

Sandra Appiah May 18, 2011

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a male friend who was complaining about the lack of “quality” women in the dating scene. As I proceed to list names of friends who were available (some he knew and some he didn’t) he stopped me and told me that those women were un-datable — and dare say it — desperate!

Girls, Don't be so DESPERATE!This blanket assessment scared me a bit: I mean, he was talking about my friends and associates here! He talked about desperate women as though they were a kind of breed with particular characteristics and behavioral patters, as if you could smell them from afar. So I asked him to break it down for me. This was his candid reply:


  • The desperate woman is characteristically unable to keep a man committed, and she turns men off with her frantic desire for serious commitment — Sound like anyone you know?
  • It's impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with the desperate woman, which makes them un-dateable. Her craze for commitment and her self-imposed deadlines — such as the need to have a baby by a certain age — eliminates any hopes for a normal relationship.

It was hard to take down, but he had a point, so I listened. Based on his analysis and words, I put together this list of warning signs to spot the typical “un-dateable” woman:

Signs That She’s Desperate

  1. She's always in a relationship: You can tell a lot about a woman from her relationship history, and the desperate woman's past is one continuous series of relationships. She's never alone because she can't stand to be alone. Moreover, each one of her former boyfriends is very different. Warning bells should go off if a woman doesn't seem to have any particular type; it indicates that she's not looking for that certain someone so much as she's looking for that uncertain anyone. If you suspect she might be a desperate woman, find out about her relationship history either from her, or from mutual acquaintances.
  2. She's a micro-manager: She has everything planned: this weekend, next weekend, the color of her future bridesmaids’ dresses (ok I’m guilty of this one too…) the names of her hypothetical children, everything! A desperate woman has excessively detailed plans, and she will incorporate you into those plans with alarming speed. Two weeks in and she's already saying, "I love you." And after three dates, she wants you to meet her parents. The desperate woman is on a time-line and as a result, she tries to impose a serious commitment prematurely, acting as if the two of you have been together for years, even if you've only been on a couple of dates!
  3. Cats and dogs: Sometimes pets indicate desperation. Now, I’m not out to bash pet people, and there's no reason to freak out just because your girlfriend has a cat (or two, or three?…) but the key is to watch how she interacts with her pets. Doting or obsessive behavior might indicate desperate need for affection. Are her pets substitutes for people? Take my advice: The first time she refers to her dogs as "children," leave the room.
  4. She's a pushover: At first, may seem like a good thing — she wants whatever you want. Just like the princess in “Coming to America,” she thinks whatever you think. Soon though, you'll realize that she's just playing at compatibility in an attempt to convince either you or herself that the two of you are meant to be together. Trust me, while it might seem cool for a week or two, you don't really want to date someone without opinions, without interests and without an identity.

Girls, Don't be so DESPERATE!

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Okay, so maybe you're already in a relationship with a desperate woman. You thought all that obsessive, clingy, panicky behavior was just part of her charm, right?
Well, don't worry. It's not too late. Here's how you can separate yourself from undateable women of the desperate variety.

  1. Take the blame: First things first, suck it up and break it off. Don't bother manufacturing an excuse. Just tell her you're not ready for a serious commitment. She might yell. She might cry. She might plead with you to stay. However, you have to be tough. These are all signs that you're making the right decision. Remember, she's desperate.
  2. Damage control: As soon as you've ended things, start circulating your version of the story. Get in touch with your mutual friends and use your initial contact to set up future plans. A desperate woman might try to attach herself to your social circle, using your friends to get back together with you. You want your people to form a barricade, not a bridge.
  3. Go cold turkey: The desperate woman will remain desperate even after you've broken up. She will try to contact you and will likely want to get back together. This is a woman who specializes in neediness. That's why you need to cut off all contact. Go cold turkey. Avoid taking her calls and don't see her, at least for a while. She's proven herself clingy; don't give her a chance to cling.

Girls, Don't be so DESPERATE!

Now this may seem a little harsh to some female readers out there, but I’m just telling the truth how it was told to me. Just use the tips to your advantage, as a benchmark for what not to do. Make sure you’re not that desperate, un-datable woman.

Last Edited by: Updated: February 25, 2014


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